10 Rules to Raise Terrific Kids, Applied to Sleep

My Connected Motherhood Author

Before we dive into this week’s blog, we have some exciting news… we’ve in the midst of taking a certification to become parenting coaches!! We LOVE supporting families with sleep and making changes to what is no longer working for families but we are thrilled to be extending our expertise so we can extend our support even further! 

As a part of the certification we have been doing with Dr. Laura Markham, who is a peaceful parent expert, we have learned about Ten Rules to Terrific Kids (you can also read about them in her book, Peaceful Parents Happy Kids!). We are going to share them with you today and take a moment to chat about how each one applies to sleep. 

1. The most important parenting skill: manage yourself
   
   In terms of parenting in general, Dr. Laura stresses the importance of taking care of yourself, keeping your cup full and reminds us that the more you care for yourself with compassion, the more love and compassion you will have for your child. She explains that what you do your child will do. It isn’t all that different for sleep. If you’re dreading nap time, your baby is dreading nap time. Babies and toddlers follow our cues, they co-regulate with us emotionally. Speaking of emotions, it’s a whole lot harder to support your child if you’re feeling triggered or if you are feeling dysregulated. It is so important to take the time to meet your own needs, address your own feelings and find ways to manage your emotions and frustrations around sleep to be able to support your child with sleep in the best way possible.
   
   
2. The most important parenting commitments: be your child’s advocate and don’t give up on him.
   
   As spoken by Dr. Laura, “every child deserves one person who is 110% on their side”. Sometimes with sleep, it is actually about more than sleep. Being your child’s advocate can be really hard and sometimes it takes some serious perseverance to get the answers you need for your child surrounding medical barriers to sleep. You ARE the best advocate for your child, don’t let yourself forget it, even when it’s taking everything in you to not give up pushing for answers. 
   
   
3. The most important parenting secret: discipline, despite all the books written on it, doesn’t work.
   
   Here she talks about how punishment always worsens behaviour, and instead she encourages us to kindly and gently set limits but always empathize with feelings around limits set. We will always advocate for parents to set limits where it is needed around sleep so that everyone can get the rest they need to thrive. Limits can be kind but firm, we can set a limit, but still be responsive. Limits do not need to be defined by separation or isolation. We can set limits, make space for tears and stay present through any and all emotion our child may have in response to limit or change.  We fully agree with Dr. Laura that both empathy and guidance/limits are essential and that each cannot be successful without the other. 
   
   
4. What kids need that no one tells you: a safe place to express their feelings while you listen.
   
   Behind every behaviour is emotion. To address behaviour, we need to address the emotion behind it. To address bedtime battles, we need to address the emotion behind them. To address resistance to change, we need to LISTEN to how they are feeling about the change. Just because they have feelings surrounding a change to sleep, doesn’t mean the change is wrong, but it DOES mean we can still be that safe person they can express any emotion to, and the one who will still always love them unconditionally. 
   
   
5. What your child wishes you understood: she’s just a kid, trying as hard as she can.
   
   Here, Dr. Laura goes into the importance of understanding and expecting age appropriate behaviour, which holds a significant importance when it comes to sleep as well. We need to understand that babies and toddlers are incredibly immature beings who are designed to be close to us, who are designed to need us day and night, who are designed to be incredibly dependent. Having realistic expectations around sleep, and waking, for babies and toddlers is key in supporting your child to create healthy sleep patterns and to getting more sleep without sleep training. If we expect babies to sleep 7-7 by 6 months of age, we are quite likely going to run into some frustrations. When we meet where they are at in terms of what is biologically normal and developmentally appropriate while simultaneously adjusting our expectations to meet these norms, sleep gets a lot easier. 
   
   
6. The most useful mantra: don’t take it personally.
   
   It is nearly impossible to not be triggered by our children’s behaviour. If you have it 100% figured out, let us know how 😅! In all seriousness, it is much easier to parent when we take the time to recognize, explore and address our own triggers rather than assuming our children’s behaviour is occurring with the sole intention of being mean or rude or disrespectful towards us (is isn't). When it comes to sleep specifically, it typically isn’t sleep your child has an issue with (assuming you’ve addressed any medical barriers we mentioned earlier, check out our free reference guide here), but instead it is the separation from us they struggle with. They are hard wired for connection and separation is the hardest thing for them to cope with. Waking to call for you doesn't happen because your child is a bad sleeper or that you did something wrong, they’re calling because they have needs to be met, whatever this need may be (comfort is also a valid need). Babies are supposed to wake, the number of times they wake does NOT in any way dictate your success as a parent. 
   
   
7. What you need to remember when times get hard: all misbehaviour come from basic needs that aren’t met.
   
   Dr. Laura mentions here that kids want to be successful. Kids also want to sleep. Their body needs it, it is a biological function. Now we try not to see sleep as behaviour, so here we would replace the word misbehaviour, with sleep challenges. If you’re struggling with false starts, maybe they need a bit less or a bit more daytime sleep, maybe they are experiencing discomfort. Has baby started waking more frequently after a big change such as your return to work? It is likely they are looking for extra connection as they move through the transition which is normal and expected. Are you struggling with naps? Could they be ready for a nap transition or maybe two shorter naps? Is your baby waking more to eat? Could they be going through a growth spurt? Sometimes we need to dig a bit deeper, but there tends to be a reason we see changes in sleep. 
   
   
8. The best parenting expert? Your child.
   
   We love this one. There is SO much information out there around infant and toddler sleep. With one quick search you can find the “ideal routine” or the “perfect schedule for X month old baby”. Those types of resources can be great starting points, but your child is so unique. Babies are not robots and they all need things to be a little bit different. Sometimes we just need to drown out all the noise, take a breath and follow your baby’s lead. You are THE BEST mother there is for your little one. Trust yourself to tune into their needs and meet them where they are at. Every baby will have different sleep totals, different wake windows, different rhythms, different sensory preferences, different levels of sensitivity, different ways they work through change. Follow your baby’s cues, trust your instincts and follow your heart, you’ve got this. 
   
   
9. The only constant? Change
   
   Dr. Laura shares about how in parenting in general, what worked today, may not work tomorrow and that your parenting approach will need to evolve as your kids do. This could not be more true for sleep as well. Sleep is not linear. Your baby’s needs and preferences will change. This is normal. It can be very hard, but it is normal. Our best advice here is to do what works for your family. There is no need to change from something that is working for you. When it stops working, adjust. If something stops working, such as nursing to sleep, that does not mean that you’ve created a bad habit or broke your baby or made a wrong choice, it simply means that it’s time to tune into your baby again, explore what will work now, and confidently lead them through the change. 
   
   
10. What matters most: stay connected and never withdraw your love, even for a moment. 
    
    Dr Laura says, “Above all, safeguard your relationship with your child”. Sleep without sleep training is possible. You can make changes while staying close and connected. You can set limits or make changes and still be responsive and present. You can welcome emotion and your child can experience tears all while still continuing to strengthen your secure attachment relationship. You can stay connected, you can shower your child with love so they can take their attachment needs for granted, and still get the rest you need. 

We hope you loved our spin on Dr. Laura’s 10 Rules to Raise Terrific Kids! Thanks for being here mamas.

Categories: Advocating, Attachment, connection, Motherhood, Parenting, Sleep Without Sleep Training