10 Ways to Prioritize Attachment When You Have More Than One Child

My Connected Motherhood Author

If you have been following along with us here at My Connected Motherhood, you know attachment and relationship between parents and children is something that we place at a higher importance than anything else in the work that we do. 

Understanding attachment and the role that it plays in parenting is so essential. We talk about attachment and sleep in a previous blog you can find here but before we dive into this week’s topic let’s first chat about what attachment really is. Attachment is essentially the science of the relationship we have with our children. It is the connection we have with them that allows them to feel safe and secure. By investing in our attachment with our children we are giving them a safe place to venture forth from.  

Something we have found ourselves chatting about lately is how do you focus on attachment when you have more than one child? If the relationship with our children is SO important, how do we go about prioritizing our connection with two, or even three or more, different children all at once? 

We have put together a list of 10 different strategies that we both try to implement with our children so that we can feel confident we are fostering our attachments with each of our children.

1. It starts with you (aka self-care).

The concept of showing up for ourselves seems to be turning into quite an important theme around here - and for good reason! Having more than one child to care for can be VERY overwhelming at times, heck caring for one child can be very overwhelming at times! Regardless of how many children you have, self-care will never stop being important. If we are struggling with overwhelm and feeling flustered or in a constant state of chaos, it becomes quite difficult to radiate a sense of calm for our children. As a part of attachment, it is key that we are attached to our children as the lead of the relationship. If we aren’t radiating a sense of calm and confidence our children will not be able to rest in our attachment with us because they will not feel as though they can fully rely on us to meet their needs. So please, whatever it may look like, take some time each day to be intentional about meeting your needs. 

2. Determine what helps you to stay regulated so that you can be a calm and confident leader.

No matter how much self-care you participate in, there will still be times it all feels like a little too much, and that is okay! We do feel that it is important to figure out what is going to ground you personally in those moments before things spiral! Maybe it’s as simple as reminding yourself to stop and take a deep breath. Maybe you have a little mantra you repeat to yourself that helps you to focus on responding, rather than reacting. Maybe it comes down to drinking lots of water throughout the day so you can stay clear headed. Whatever it is, we encourage you to take some time to reflect on what helps you stay grounded throughout the flow of everyday life! Beyond that, we have found that it helps to remind ourselves when our children cry, they are communicating with us and it isn't necessarily an emergency. We have found that it is better to stop and take a moment to take a breath and then move to responding so that we are responding with confidence and providing that sense of calm. 

3. Focus on repair after rupture (when we have hard moments). 

As we mentioned, having more than one child to tend to can be very overwhelming and moments of chaos might just be unavoidable. Now if you have a day where you are struggling, perhaps because of sleep deprivation or overstimulation or the desire to have just one moment alone, there are likely to be moments when it all feels like too much and you lose your cool. First, we’ve all been there. Second, we’re human. We feel that rather than stewing in guilt or feeling like we’ve failed the best thing to do is simply apologize. We want our children to know we are human, that we have flaws, too. We want them to know that we all make mistakes. Hard moments will happen, times when you didn’t show up how you wanted to. But who says we can’t apologize and re-connect? Let your child know that you were struggling, reconnect and move forward together! 

4. Never underestimate the power of a village. 

We’ve probably all heard the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child”. Again, the more children we have, the more this seems to ring true. When you have more than one child to tend to, it is inevitable that there will be times that one child needs you in a bigger way for a period of time. Whether it’s in an urgent situation where one of your children needs medical attention for example, or maybe just a routine appointment, or maybe you just want to carve out some time to really be intentional 1-1. As much as we wish this weren’t true, there will be moments when you can’t be there for everyone all at the same time (phew that one was hard to admit!). What we have found to be true, is that it is much easier to feel confident about showing up for one child in a bigger way when you know your other children will be with someone else they feel strongly connected to. If you know that your toddler is with a grandparent that they have an existing attachment with, it is easier to focus on being present for your baby at their wellness check up. If you know that your baby has a strong connection with their daddy, it is easier to leave them confidently so you can be with your toddler when they need you more. Having a village makes it so much easier to give 1-1 care when it is called for! 

5. Prioritize a bit of intentional time with each day and find out what fills their attachment cup. 

Have you ever felt like even though you might spend the entire day with your child you somehow still hit bedtime thinking, “but did I REALLY spend time with them today?”. We know it can be hard when you’re balancing the basic needs of everyone and multitasking all day long, so start small! Try making an intentional effort to spend even 10-15 minutes each day with your children 1-1. Your children likely have even slightly varying interests, so consider what really fills their cup. Maybe one LOVES when you read them books, maybe the other would rather you jump on the trampoline or throw a ball back and forth, maybe you can get on the ground and have some intentional tummy time and eye contact with your newborn! Whatever is, figure out what really fills their individual cup and try your best to be intentional each day between all the parenting duties! 

6. Be a step ahead whenever possible so your little ones know you’ve got their needs covered.

We touched on the fact that a key characteristic of the attachment relationship we have with our children is being the leader, we have a full blog on this one too. One thing we have found that really helps when it comes to fostering multiple attachment relationships in your family is trying to be one step ahead where possible. Let us give you a bit of an example of how we can anticipate needs. We know how busy it can be tending to a new baby’s needs and how it can be a little bit unpredictable so we like to consider the aspects of your older children’s day you can set up in advance. Maybe you have breakfast ready before they are awake, maybe you set up their favourite game to play before they ask you to play with them or maybe have their favourite bedtime story ready to go as soon as they are settling in and have a chance to ask. We have found that anything you can do to predict their needs helps to send them little reminders through the day that even though your family has grown, you’re still completely here for them. 

7. Bridging through the moments you are not able to be fully present. 

There will be times throughout the day that you need to focus on one sibling more intentionally for a few moments and we have found that it can be very helpful to maintain your connection with your child by bridging the separation. This is an attachment practice we spend a lot of time chatting about with parents in terms of sleep, but really it can apply to anytime there might be potential for a bit of disconnect. When we give them something to hold onto through these moments we are sending the reminder that “yes, you still matter, too!”. Bridging this helps give you the intentional time with one child you need to be able to have without the other feeling unsure that you’re still going to show up for them. You might try things like, “once your sister is down for her nap we are going to play that board game you love!”. Maybe it would be helpful to say, “I need you to set up the train track for me while I feed your little brother so that when he is finished I can play trains with you!”. If you are on your own with multiple children for bedtime you might try something like, “I need you to hold onto this for me while I do bedtime with the baby and then I will do bedtime with you!" (we like to use a stuffy in the shape of a heart here). 

8. Use your rhythm and routine to keep a sense of predictability.

We talk a lot about how having a general natural flow to your day can make things a lot easier for everyone, including you as a parent! We think it applies specifically to fostering multiple attachment relationships as well. It helps when big brother knows you generally rock baby to sleep after snack time so they know they usually have their quiet time then for example or this is when they can play on their own. When they know these moments are coming, it makes it easier for everyone to transition through them! 

9. When it comes to conflict, focus on taking the lead and meeting the underlying needs (of both). 

If your little ones are toddlers and above, there will be times of conflict! We know it can be hard to not get frustrated or overwhelmed when this happens but we like to look at this beyond the surface. If your little ones are fighting there is likely a need to be met or they are likely feeling a bit dysregulated! So, rather than just focusing on the surface level fighting or behaviour, we like to take a step back and understand where the behaviour is coming from. Take a moment to think about what need we might be needing to tend to for both, this will help them both feel like you are still there for them. We feel it is important to show up for both children in these situations by taking the lead in addressing the conflict. Depending on the age of your little ones it may be a great opportunity to help them problem solve, but it is normal to expect they will need your guidance with this.

10. Validate all feelings and remind them you are here for them unconditionally. 

When a second or third child becomes a part of the family, there can be a lot of big emotions for older siblings to work through! Especially in the beginning while you all find your footing through this incredible, yet at times challenging transition, it is normal that your toddler may be feeling all kinds of emotions and that they may feel a bit disconnected. Something we like to keep in mind no matter where you are with transitioning from one child to more, is that our children have the right to their own emotions. It is fair to assume that there may be times of frustration or disconnect as we attend to siblings and they may feel like their little voice is not being heard.  Even if we don’t understand where exactly their feelings are coming from at times, it is not our job to tell our children how to feel. Instead, it is our responsibility as parents to make space for any and all emotions, validate whatever emotion it is they are feeling, help them to label the feeling, and to stay present while they share their emotional expression. Fostering healthy emotional expression and showing up for our children unconditional of their emotion is essential in fostering a healthy attachment. 

We know it can be so hard to feel like you are meeting everyone’s needs all the time when you are trying to prioritize the relationship you have with all of your children. At the end of the day, remember that connection will always be the cure. We hope that these ten strategies help you to feel confident and empowered when it comes to the attachment relationships you have with our children. Don’t forget mama, you are the best mama there is for your babies!

Sarah & Elli

Categories: : Attachment, Motherhood, Parenting, Self-Care, Emotion