Why Does Baby Sleep Feel So Hard? (Hint: it isn't you, you're doing amazing)

Despite how well your baby generally sleeps, we find that everyone tends to have moments where sleep just feels so hard. You’re not alone if you’ve caught yourself dreading putting your little one down for bedtime or wanting to just skip the nap time struggle. So many of us have felt like we are setting our little ones up for failure or that we’ve somehow broken them in how we have been supporting them with sleep. Today we are going to walk you through five different reasons that baby sleep can feel so hard. We hope it gives a bit of perspective and maybe a few tips to help make it all feel a little easier for your family.

1. Sleep is not linear

Somehow we have been led to believe that once our child sleeps through the night we have crossed a finish line, achieved the ultimate parenting goal. It is so important to realize that even if your child does start sleeping through the night in their first year (also very normal if they don’t before their first birthday), that this doesn't mean this is the new normal. When a baby sleeps through the night for the first time, sometimes it only happens once and then not again for weeks or months, sometimes they start to do so on a regular basis and sometimes you might find they do manage to do it for a few weeks, then not for a few weeks and then again for a few weeks. This does not apply just to sleeping through the night either. You may have found that you have gotten into a good rhythm with 1 or 2 quick feeds (or whatever it is that is working for your family) and suddenly things regress out of nowhere. Maybe naps are no issue for your baby and then suddenly a struggle as they start to cut some molars or work through a developmental leap. As a part of our approach to sleep, normalizing this is so important to us. Babies are not robots and their needs are changing all the time. Understanding that it is normal and okay for sleep to not be linear, can help us to adjust to any changes that head our way with a little bit more ease. It is normal for babies to wake at night, and it is normal for each night to look a little bit different. It is normal for sleep interruptions such as teething or new skills to set things off, but that has nothing to do with how amazing of a parent you are.

2. Sleep is separation

Our infants have a natural drive to want to be close to us, this is what keeps them safe and helps them to thrive. They have an instinctual hunger to be within close proximity to their big people and have their attachment needs met. What this means is that separation is the hardest thing for our little babies to face. Knowing that sleep is separation, we then need to think about the flipside of this, which is connection. Intentional connection and helping our children take their attachment needs for granted is what makes sleep and separation easier in time. You can begin to see that it only makes sense that babies and toddler need support from us at bedtime and throughout the night. Babies are designed to be close to us and this biological need doesn’t stop when we hit 7pm.

3. Sleep expectations for infants are not realistic

If we expect our babies to have two long naps at the exact same times everyday with ease, to sleep 7-7 without any parental intervention, to flip a switch at 6 months and no longer need night feeds, or to not have changes in sleeps during developmental phases or even a hard day, we are essentially setting ourselves up for for frustration. When we have realistic expectations, it makes it just a little bit easier to be responsive throughout the night, or to be flexible when things change. When we have realistic expectations, sleep doesn’t feel quite so hard, or at the very least, we know we aren’t the only ones in this position or feeling this way. Setting realistic expectations around asking for help when things get hard is also something that will make it a little easier for parents. It is okay to ask for help or to lean on your partner or family and friends so that when things do feel hard, you have support or take a break and not feel like you are in this alone.

4. Sleep guidelines are misleading

We don’t expect two thirty year olds to have exactly the same sleep needs, routines and patterns, so we have to wonder why we expect all babies of the same age to be exactly the same in this way. There are SO many factors that impact sleep from sleep environment and developmental leaps, to things that will be especially individualized from child to child including sensory needs, sleep totals that they thrive on and temperament. If we expect every 6 month old to have 3 naps of the exact same length, many of us parents would end up incredibly frustrated as it will just NEVER happen for your child. If we assume every 13 month old will have one nap of the exact same length, we might feel frustrated when our baby still needs two naps after their first birthday. Instead, when we meet our child where they are, when we take a step back to see what comes naturally for them and move forward from there, we are setting ourselves up for much more success when it comes to sleep.

5. We think we only have two options

Recently in our Facebook group, we have been seeing a lot of comments about how if you don’t do “cry it out” or some sort of variation of this, what are you supposed to do, how is sleep without sleep training even a real concept? Your baby or toddler’s sleep can feel so daunting and upsetting when you think you only have the options of leaving them to cry themselves to sleep until their body shuts down to preserve energy, or just suffer until somehow things get better (and who knows how long that will be right!?). YOU HAVE ANOTHER OPTION, and this is what we do with families daily and we LOVE doing it. You can make changes that allow you to continue meeting all of your child’s needs (including a healthy and rested caregiver). You can change sleep spaces, you can bring in someone to help you, you can wean partially or fully, you can support your child to sleep in an alternative way, you can eliminate those early rises, split nights and false starts, all while remaining securely attached and offering emotional security for your child. If sleep feels hard because you feel stuck in one extreme or the other, please reach out to us so we can guide using an approach in the middle of cry it out and wait it out ❤️