How To Help Your Child Hold On When Apart
My Connected Motherhood 
As we come to the end of summer, many families are met with transitions back to their more typical routines. In many cases, there are children resuming or starting daycare or school and we often see a little bit of an uptick in parents returning to work as Fall begins. Through all these transitions, our children must face some more separation from us than they may be used to. This week we want to talk all about how to help your child hold on when apart from you and how we can use their stage of attachment to help to bridge the separation. This way you will know exactly what tools will best support your child through the separation until you reunite in connection!
Before we can get into specific strategies about how to best support your child through the separation, let’s talk a little bit about attachment. Attachment and the ability to hold on when apart, deepens gradually as a child grows up. As per the work of Dr. Neufeld, in infancy, they hold on through the senses, and gradually add more ways of attaching as they grow, until they are attaching through being known by age 5. For this reason, a 5-year-old typically can separate a little bit easier than a 2-year-old can. Regardless of your child’s age, there are some strategies that can help them through the separation.
Birth to One Year and older - Through the senses
In the first year of life, babies are attaching through their senses. This means that they are looking to touch, hear, smell, see, or taste to deepen their attachment and connection with you as their parents and caregivers. During your time together with your babies, seek to keep them close. Offering lots of touch and snuggles, or talking to or singing to them when you can’t hold them are great ways to help grow that connection to you. Doing this should help fill their attachment cups before you ask them to separate from you, which will help them to better be able to do so. A baby who hasn’t had time to connect is much less likely to be okay with the separation than a baby who has had time to snuggle up and spend time with you!
We can also use this knowledge of how they attach to help them through the period of separation until you’re together again. You can send a lovey or a blanket that smells like you so that even if they cannot be with you, they can still smell you, and therefore hold on to that connection with you when apart. You may want to sleep on the lovey or blanket for a few nights so it gets your smell or you can spill some breastmilk on it if breastfeeding. Remember that loveys should be removed for sleep before a year but this can help with the separation while you’re away during wakeful times (and can also be helpful in the car). With slightly older babies who are more aware of their space and look around often, you can post a picture of your family, which again appeals to the sense of sight. Finally, you can record yourself singing a favourite song or lullaby to help them to hold on through the time apart.
One-Year-Olds and older - Through sameness
In the second year of life, in addition to attaching through the senses, toddlers begin to attach through sameness. This means that they seek to be like those they are attached to. You may see this in your toddler’s actions and mannerisms. Elli remembers her first walking with his hand on his lower back just like his grandfather did when he had hurt his back. Toddlers may also insist that you like the same things they do or seem to change their favourite things to match yours.
You can meet your toddler’s need to connect through sameness by finding things you have in common during your time together in the mornings. Drawing attention to how their eyes are the same colour as mama’s or how they giggle like their dad can help them to feel close to you. You can also be intentional about how you get dressed in the morning. Wearing similar colours can help appeal to that sense of sameness - “hey we’re both wearing blue today!” or you can even get matching bracelets that you each wear so that not only are you the same but you can both promise to think of one another whenever you look at your bracelet!
Two-Year-Olds and Older - Through loyalty and belonging
In the third year of life, two-year-olds attach through loyalty and belonging. This probably isn’t too surprising to you if you’ve had a two-year-old before, because they love to take possession with their declaration of mine! (Did you just picture the seagulls from Finding Nemo too?). They may declare you as “MY mommy” or their sibling as their baby. This attachment through loyalty and belonging is actually by design to help offset the emergent energy that thrusts 2-year-olds into becoming their own person at this age. We know that two-year-olds often want to do it themselves and that this is really the first stage where they’re seeking their own way of doing things. The connection they build between their parents helps them to know that they’re still safe, even though they’re separate people from their parents.
You can use this desire to belong to help strengthen your relationship when together so that they are better able to separate when you’re apart. You might say something like “you’re my favourite 2-year-old in the whole world!” or “there’s my sweet babe!”. These statements of possession from you will help them to rest in the fact that you’re holding onto them. It can also be helpful to send a small family album of your child with you and the other members of your family because this gives them something tangible to remind them of their place in your family and how important a part they are in it.
Three-Year-Olds and Older - Through significance
As your child turns 3, they move to connecting deeply by feeling significant to those they’re attached to. They want to feel special and that they matter deeply to you during this stage so it’s extremely important to extend an invitation to exist in your presence. You can do this by making eye contact with them, smiling, paying attention the first time they ask and genuinely showing interest in the things that are important to them. It is also really helpful to seek them out before they have to seek you out so they can rest in knowing that you’re holding onto them and focus on all the other things three-year-olds have to learn!
When you face separation, little things can help to let them know that they are so important to you. You can tell them that you cut their sandwich just the way they liked it so when they have lunch they can remember you’re thinking about them. While apart, you can also find something small like a flower or a leaf that reminds you of them and give it to them at pick up. It says to them, “even though we’re not together, you’re still so important to me”.
Four-Year-Olds and Older - Through love
As your child turns 4, their connection deepens to a level of love. You might find that all of a sudden your little one can’t stop telling you how much they love you or that everything has hearts on it all of a sudden. This deep connection of giving you their heart shows just how much that attachment is strengthening over the years. The critical thing in this stage of attachment is that the love you give them is unconditional. If your love for them is contingent on them being smart, or kind, or any other positive quality, then they may feel they need to continue to be all those things in order for your love to remain available. Instead, we want them to know that we love them no matter what and there’s nothing they can say or do that will make us love them any less (or any more for that matter!).
Through times where you need to be apart, they’ll be better able to hold onto you because of that deep connection, but it also is helpful to play into the love. You can cut their sandwich into hearts, leave them something extra special in their bag to let them know that you’re thinking about them or even give them extra kisses in their hands before you part ways so they can use them up throughout the days when they are missing you. It also helps to tell them that you love them, you’re proud of them, and that you enjoy spending time with them.
Five-Year-Olds and Older - Through being known
By age 5, if attachment has unfolded as planned, your child will want to be deeply known by you and establish a psychological intimacy with their closest attachments. At this stage, many 5-year-olds have the capacity to tell lies but feel compelled to tell you all their secrets because they want to be deeply connected with you. This is the deepest form of attachment and when your child is attached at this level, they will be able to separate from you with the greatest ease (although goodbyes can always be tough).
During this stage of attachment, it is really important that you really make time to be present and listen to your child. They will want to share with you but they need some quiet moments during the day to do so. You can best prioritize your connection by working connection time into your daily routines. Perhaps you start the day with 10-20 minutes of snuggle time in bed together and allow your child to share what’s on their mind. Mealtimes and driving times are also great times to really connect and share thoughts and ideas if you’re intentional about those times together. We also love building in a few extra minutes before bedtime to just lay next to each other and hear about their thoughts and feelings before they drift off to sleep.
We hope that understanding these stages of attachment will help you as you make transitions to childcare or school. Remember that these are all the ways they connect so a 5-year-old can still benefit from some of the strategies we discussed for one-year-olds. Remember that your relationship with your child is their best tool to move forward into the world, so if you prioritize it, you can't go wrong!
Categories: Attachment, bridging, Parenting, Separation Anxiety, Toddlers