Trusting Your Instincts While Making Changes

Keep what you love, change what you don’t.

This is what we help families to do everyday. We want you to be able to show up for your children in a way that allows you to be responsive and attentive so you can foster a secure attachment and meet their needs, but in a way that also allows you to feel confident and calm. We want all parents to feel like they can hold onto the moments they cherish, the routines and patterns they love, while also still being able to shift away from things that are not working for them or helping their family to thrive.

So today, let’s talk a little bit about making changes surrounding sleep. We want you to be able to support your child through changes so you can find what works for all of you, while still feeling like you are in tune with your instincts throughout the entire process.

Instincts are something that are not spoken to enough in the world of sleep. Instead, sleep training culture tends to suffocate our instinctual drive as parents. It tells us to resist the urge to tend to them and instead leave them to cry in isolation. It tells us to interact with them as little as possible once the sun goes down. It tells us to use a stopwatch to time how long we withhold connection before responding to our babies. It tells us that generic numbers and one size fits all approaches on the internet know our own babies better than we do. It tells us that separation will solve our problems while connection will make change more challenging so we should resist the desire to keep our babies close.

Your instincts matter.

Your instincts are trustworthy.

Your instincts are there for a reason.

So where do our instincts come in with making changes to sleep without sleep training?

First we want to remind everyone that you can make parent-led changes even when following a baby led approach to sleep. At My Connected Motherhood, we approach sleep holding the belief we need to follow our baby’s cues and meet their needs always. That being said, one of the most essential needs your child has is a healthy and happy caregiver they depend on. This means sometimes we need to make changes to still be responsive, but in a different way so that we can meet that need, so that they can continue to count on us to show up for them.

Now back to making changes while honouring your instincts.

When we make changes without CIO or other separation based techniques, we really want parents to know that it likely will not be a linear process. When we are making shifts that are rooted in attachment and prioritize relationships, we have to understand that sometimes it might be two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes we may need to pause or take a break from changes, or maybe shift our goals. When we are meeting our children where they are at and following their cues throughout the process, it likely will not be as simple as steps 1 through 5 laid out in a perfect progression.

This is normal.

This is okay.

When we work through transitions rooted in attachment with families, we always want to emphasize the fact that there will be times that connection is more important than change, times when your baby will need you more than they need sleep. This does not mean you are not making helpful shifts though. What it does mean, is that there will be times when the focus needs to switch from change back to connection. There will be times when you need to listen to your instincts and trust your heart to know when to stop or adjust.

Now we know, first thoughts that might be pooping into your head are likely, “If I just give in, my baby will know they can manipulate me” or “If I stop making changes I will undo all my progress” or even maybe “If I do not stay consistent or follow through, my baby will get too attached to me and will be on the boob or in my bed forever”.

Here is why this is not true.

Dependence fosters independence. When you have enough confidence in your instincts to stop when the change feels like too much, you are showing your child that they can depend on you. When you welcome dependence, you are building trust with your little one because you are showing them you know what they need and that you know how to provide it. When you take a step back from change to offer additional support when you feel like your baby needs to take things slower, you are showing them that you are their safe place. When you take time to support emotion you are showing your child you love them unconditionally.

Every time you trust your instincts and “give in” or take a break to switch from making changes to focusing solely on connection, you are investing in the relationship with your child. The more we invest in our relationship with our children to welcome and invite dependence, the more they can then rest in that attachment relationship with us. The more secure our attachment is, the more our children are able to take our lead throughout making changes.

Trusting your instincts shows your child who are the answer for them and that they can depend on you and follow your lead.

Trusting your instincts allows you to be exactly who your child needs you to be at every step of the way while making changes.

Trusting your instincts means you can work towards positive shifts for your family without ever taking the focus off of connection or secure attachment.

Categories: Attachment, Bedtime, connection, Emotion, Motherhood, Night Wakes, Sleep Without Sleep Training