Parenting as Partners: How to Best Support One Another

How do you feel about your relationship with your partner? If you’re anything like us, you might be feeling like it’s been a little bit more stressful since having a baby and if you are, we’re sure you’re in good company. The transition into parenthood is unlike any other transition you could prepare. You are not only navigating the new responsibilities of caring for a baby - which on its own is HUGE - but you’re doing so while your own basic needs are not being met as they had been in the past. Your sleep is broken, you’re not getting as much time to prepare nutritious meals, you might not be finding time to exercise and move your body, and you’re probably feeling a bit of a loss of autonomy and down-time to yourself.

This sets all of us up to be a little less than our ideal selves around our partners, because we’re just so run down and they’re an easy outlet for some of the frustration we may be feeling day-to-day. We have absolutely been there and we can promise you that it does tend to get easier as your little ones get a little bit older, but today we want to outline some of the things we found to be most helpful when our babies were babies. We think this is so important because with some simple tweaks and conversations, you’ll be able to feel a little more connected to your partner and a little less alone in this journey as a parent.

Communicate. We know this is cliche, but communication is absolutely key when it comes to parenting as a partner. You are not doing anyone any good by huffing and puffing about how tired you are or how much work you feel like you’re doing if you’re not openly communicating to your partner about how you are feeling. If you feel like you’re building up resentment toward your partner, we highly recommend taking the time to sit down together and put it all on the table. Chances are they’re feeling a little resentful or stressed too.

Take the time to sit down and talk about how you are feeling as parents. Set the ground rules that you’re not going to comment about what your partner is or is not doing, but rather that you’re going to communicate where you feel like you need a little support, care, or even just rest. When you take the time to communicate your actual needs, the frustration begins to dissolve as you feel heard and shift toward meeting your goal of everyone’s needs being met. Be sure to allow your partner to share what they need as well, it’s easy to miss someone else’s needs when we feel like ours aren’t being met!

Once you lay it all out there, you will probably feel a little more connected because you both can better understand each other’s perspectives. If you’re anything like us, your list of how you’re each feeling will look a little similar to one another and you may end up laughing about how you’re both feeling the same way. Even if you’re not yet on the same page, the next step is to come up with an action plan on how your needs can be met.

This is going to look different family to family, but to get you started, we’ll give you a few examples of how you might do this:

For sleep needs:
- If one parent responds to baby at night, perhaps the other parent wakes up with baby in the morning allowing the parent responding at night to catch up on some extra sleep in the morning.
- Alternatively, one parent could be responsible for baby’s wakes for the first half of the night while the other parent goes to bed a little earlier and then you switch half way through the night. This gives both parents a stretch of the night where they are able to get uninterrupted sleep.
For basic needs:
- Create a plan that allows both parents 15-20 minutes in the morning before anyone heads out to work. We find that it’s a non-negotiable that the working parent gets to shower and brush their teeth but if one parent stays at home, that often gets skipped under the assumption that there will be time to do that throughout the day. We know that’s not always the case so make a point of getting those basic hygiene needs met in the first hour or two of the day. It will shift your entire mood and perspective!
- When it comes to nutrition, stock your home with healthy snacks and nutritious foods. Spend some time when you’re both home meal prepping, or maybe alternate prepping for the next day by trading off bedtime responsibilities. Whoever isn’t putting baby to bed is prepping lunch for everyone for the next day.
For recreational and downtime needs:
- Take the time to brainstorm what each of you need in the week. Write out anything from time to exercise, to coffee with a friend, to time to just unwind with a book, podcast, or netflix. Then, map them out on a calendar together so you’re on the same page. You’ll feel so much better knowing that you have the time planned and that you will both get the time you each need!

Re-establish roles and responsibilities. Your roles and responsibilities will shift when you add a baby to your relationship so it’s important to take the time to re-establish them post baby. We want to ensure that both parents feel supported and like they can manage what the other expects of them and if not, we want to shift some of those responsibilities.

Before we dive deeper into this, we want to highlight something that we feel is very important. Whether or not you are working outside of your home or earning an income, you are adding immense value to your family. We have seen countless stay-at-home parents run themselves into burnout by trying to “overcompensate” for their “lack of contribution” financially to the point of self-sacrificing. If you and your partner have agreed that it makes sense for one of you to stay home with your child(ren), please see the immense value you are both contributing to your family.

So how do we re-establish these roles and responsibilities? Chances are some of this already came up when you were finding time for each other’s needs, but it’s helpful to have a conversation about all that you’re each responsible for in the home and how you feel like you’re both keeping up. If one parent is feeling like they’re well on top of things, while the other feels a little overwhelmed, that could be a sign that you need to shift some responsibilities. Remember that caring for a baby is A LOT of work, so it’s normal to not be able to keep up with your pre-baby standards and responsibilities.

If both parents feel overwhelmed, is there an opportunity to ask for help or outsource anything? Could you have someone in your village of attachment care for your baby for a couple extra hours in the week? Do you have the means to hire some help around the house? Could a meal service or family member take care of dinner once or twice a week? Get creative here because parents in the 21st century are generally undersupported.

Ask for help or offer to take care. Our final suggestion is to ask for help and/or offer to take care of your partner. We want to remind you that this person is your partner. You love and you like each other so be sure to show each other that. If you’re reading this feeling like “I don’t know that I really like them right now” that’s okay, pretend you do, and do the nice thing anyway. Taking the time to do something for each other will re-establish the pattern of looking out for each other. Now let us be clear, we’re not talking about anything elaborate for one another. You don’t need to cook an elaborate dinner or buy flowers, or do anything fancy AT ALL. Simply washing some dishes or folding some laundry so your partner doesn’t have to goes SUCH a long way.

We also want to encourage you to ask one another for help when you need it. We know that this is something that a lot of parents struggle with doing so if that sounds like you, ask your partner to be the one to initiate the ask for help conversation. Ask that they check in with you once a week or once a month to see how you are doing and if you need any more support. This will eliminate the need for you to do the asking, and make sure that you get all the support you need and deserve.

So there you have it. Can you commit to doing even ONE of these things to enhance your relationship with your partner? Share in our Facebook Group or on our Instagram post with what you’re doing or just jump in and join the conversation for some inspiration.

Categories: Parenting, Self-Care, Sleep Support