Is Sleep Training Harmful?

A question we’ve seen pop up a lot lately is a request for resources proving that sleep training is harmful. We understand why so many people ask for this. It feels instinctively wrong to sleep train to so many, but there’s such a push from society to have babies sleeping like adults that families who do not want to sleep train are often met with opposition from trusted people including partners, spouses, doctors, parents, and friends. We think asking for proof sleep training is harmful is actually the wrong question to be asking. We don’t need proof something that goes against our instincts is in fact harmful, we need to instead focus on what children need for optimal development. Today, we want to back you up so that you feel empowered to hold your stance, without needing to prove that sleep training is harmful, because we’ll show you what’s optimal.

To start things off, we need to understand what babies and toddlers need for optimal development. The science and research on child development is very clear and consistent that the single most important thing a child needs is a secure attachment to at least one caregiver. This is the best predictor of how a child will turn out and it also is what will most positively influence a baby’s future relationships for the rest of their lives. This begs the question, what will promote a baby’s ability to become securely attached?

To answer this, let’s take a deeper look at what secure attachment is. In The Power of Showing Up, Siegel and Bryson discuss the development of secure attachment as the result of a child feeling safe, seen, and soothed. Specific to this discussion, they note that to feel seen, children need us to attune to their internal state, understand their inner life, and respond to what we see in a timely and effective manner. Similarly, they state in regard to a child feeling soothed that negative experiences can be shifted by interactions with caregivers who attune and care for them, which gives them support through any negative experiences (which they also add is the foundation for future “inner” soothing). This just means that we need to remain attuned and responsive to our children’s emotions and needs in the moment. When we respond and attune we’re building the foundation for future self-soothing and the ability to deeply understand their own emotions as they arise.

Similarly, Dr MacNamara states in Rest, Play, Grow that “The ultimate goal in parenting a young child is to unlock all six forms of attaching in the context of deep, vulnerable relationships with their providers. This can be achieved only if the connection is consistent, predictable and safe from disruption and if the child can experience their emotions in a vulnerable way.”

Finally, Dr. Laura Markham in Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids states, “What is as important as food for your baby to develop optimally? Connection”… “you are keeping her safe. You help her regulate her feeling state, whether those feelings are good or bad. Her attachment to you will keep her safe. She can trust in the universe”... “It’s simply responding to your baby’s emotional as well as physical needs, which in infancy usually include staying in close physical proximity to the parent.”

We can take these definitions and summarize them into 3 main tasks for us as parents. 1. To show up and be responsive, consistently. 2. To be emotionally present and generous. And 3. Prioritize our relationship, connection, and attunement to our children. Let’s take a deeper look.

To show up and be responsive, consistently. There is so much power in just being there consistently for our children. Now this doesn’t mean that you can never separate from them, you of course need time apart for many different reasons but rather that when you are together, they can count on you to be responsive to them and their needs. When a child is unsure if their needs will be met, they will either become obsessed with having those needs met or put up defenses that make them appear to be indifferent to the parent or caregiver. When they have confidence that we have their needs met and covered, they can venture safely from their secure base (you) and focus on learning and growing.
To remain emotionally present and generous. This is one of the most fundamental aspects of parenting that we find most families have a trickier time with. They instinctively know to be responsive, but when their baby or toddler cries, they get activated to the point where they feel it’s an emergency and needs to be stopped. Now of course if a child is crying to have a need met, it should be met, but often our little ones will go through a difficult time when they’re faced with the frustrations of day-to-day life. It is our job as their parents to empathize, really see it from their perspective, and support them through the emotions, not silence the emotions. When we get really comfortable with their emotions we’re teaching them that emotions are not scary, they will arise and subside, and that we’re right there to help them through them, which lays the foundation for high emotional intelligence in the years to come.
To prioritize our relationship, connection, and attunement to our children. Creating an unconditional relationship with our children is a foundational part of parenting because it’s exactly that relationship that gives us our power to parent and our children the desire to listen to us and follow our lead. Dr Neufeld says parenting is about who we are to our children, not what we do. When we look at parenting through this lens, we can see how powerful and impactful our relationship with our children truly is and that it does need to be prioritized and kept intact as much as possible.

Now that we know what children need to thrive and optimally develop, we can do a quick check in against what sleep training asks of us to see how it measures up against our 3 main tasks as parents. In fact, we can measure any decision or approach in parenting against these three tasks to see if those decisions are what our children truly need for optimal development. If something is encouraging responsiveness, allowing you to support your child’s emotions and remain emotionally available to them, and prioritizes the relationship you have with your child, then it’s probably a great choice if it feels good to your family. If anything tries to limit any of these three aspects, which many forms of sleep training in fact do, then the question isn’t if sleep training is harmful or not, but whether it’s what’s best for your child’s optimal development.

We truly believe that we need to be asking this question instead of whether or not sleep training is or is not harmful because not harmful is far from the same thing as optimal. We hope that this has been a helpful reminder and that it empowers you to feel confident in your decision to remain responsive to your babies!

Categories: Attachment, Emotion, Sleep Needs, Sleep Without Sleep Training