Separation Anxiety: Everything you need to know

Let’s talk about the spike in separation anxiety that happens between 8-10 months of age. You know the phase we’re talking about right? When you can’t set your baby down long enough to grab a bite to eat, quickly run to the bathroom alone, or even have a moment to catch your breath? While separation anxiety can spike at different ages, we find that this times seems to be one of the toughest. We are going to spend some time today walking you through everything you need to know about separation anxiety from what it is, why it happens to how you can confidently lead your child through this time!

First, we want to start by sharing that separation anxiety, as tough as it can be at times, is very normal. Not only is it normal but it is actually a sign of healthy emotional development taking place for your little one. We know, telling you this doesn’t necessarily make this phase any easier or less exhausting for you as a parent, but we do find that having the right perspective can make it possible to find our calm or feel a little less triggered in those really testing moments.

One reason we really want to normalize separation anxiety for you is that we live in a society that praises independence, where clinginess is seen as a downfall or undesirable behaviour. So if you feel stuck in a phase with an overly clingy baby, sometimes it can be hard to not let the narrative creep in that you are doing something wrong or that your baby is doing something they shouldn’t be. The fact is, babies are designed to be near us and it is normal for them to search out proximity with us, this is how it is meant to be and separation anxiety is essentially a baby's fear that they will not be with us again.

So now that we have established that separation anxiety is not only a normal but also an important phase for our babies to go through, let’s get into what is actually happening. During the first few months of their life, your baby does not comprehend that they are independent from you. Around this time they begin to distinguish between people and form strong emotional attachments to their caregivers. A baby’s frontal cortex and hippocampus are not fully formed but as they begin to develop, object permanence also begins to develop. What this means is that they are truly starting to understand that things and people - so Mom and Dad for example - still exist even when they can’t see them anymore. What this means for your baby is that when you leave them, they search out proximity with you because they cannot comprehend when or if you are coming back. When we pair the loss of indiscriminate attachment and development of object permanence, you can see how this is the perfect equation for separation anxiety. On top of all this, babies at this age often being to master new physical skills, such as crawling crawling, pulling to stand, and moving more freely away from you which can also contribute to the spike of separation anxiety.

While it may feel counterintuitive, separation anxiety is actually an indication of a strong attachment between you and your child. Separation anxiety shows us that your baby has formed a secure attachment to you. It also shows us that they are beginning to realize that you are essential in them feeling safe and secure. Knowing that our babies are going through so much important developmental change, the question then becomes, how can we best show up for them? This is a time that your baby needs you SO much, so it is important that you determine what works best for you to provide the extra support to your baby.

The cure for separation anxiety is contact, closeness and connection. We want to fill our little one’s attachment cups through intentional connection to the point of overflow so that they can begin to take their attachment needs for granted. When you are continually responsive to your baby while they work through this phase, when you shower them with love and connection, then you are creating the foundation for independence to stem from a place of confidence and security. When they learn they can count on you to exceed their needs for closeness, they'll be able to rest and get through these phases a little easier.

Let’s break down a few strategies for you to put in place while you support your little one through phases of separation anxiety.

Supporting Emotion

You may be feeling that your child’s emotions are a little bigger during phases of separation anxiety. It is normal to experience increased fussiness and more tears while they search you out. It is important to remember that our children’s emotions are their own and the best thing you can do for them is empathize, make space for and welcome these emotions, validate how they are feeling and stay present for them. Showing your little one you will be there unconditionally - no matter how they are feeling - is a true investment in the relationship you have with them.

Bridging Through Separation

If we take the focus off the separation and instead place it on the next connection. This can help our children to hold on when apart. Bridinging can be done in a few different ways. You can try using an object of connection such as a lovey. When you are with your child and either snuggling, rocking or feeding, try placing an object such as a stuffy between the two of you to build a connection of comfort with this item. It will also smell like you which can be so helpful as babies attach through the senses and the familiar scent will help them to feel less alone when apart from you. You can use a similar approach with their bedsheets - try sleeping with the crib sheet beside you before putting them on their mattress to again provide the familiar scent. Skin to skin before is a great way to fill up their attachment cup as well.

Matchmake with Other Caregivers & Ask For Help

While it is important to show up for your little one during this time, you’re still human and there are times you will simply need a break. By matchmaking with other caregivers you can leave your child with someone that you know they are well attached to while you take time to refill your own cup. Matchmaking is an attachment practice that involves extending the attachment you have with your child to another caregiver. You can start by all spending time together so that your child can see that you trust this caregiver to meet their needs and that they are a safe person to be with. Be aware of how you interact with them, we want your child to see enjoying each other's company!

Practice Safe Separation & Intentional Connection

Practicing safe separation can also help during these times. Playing peek-a-boo, always saying goodbye and building trust with a promised and fulfilled return help to build the pattern of re-connection after separation. It is important to never sneak away. We want to focus on building patterns of trust.

Separation and Sleep

If you find yourself in a phase of separation anxiety, changing up sleep spaces might be helpful. If you find your baby is having a hard time in the crib, remember that it likely is not the crib they dislike, but the separation from you. You might find it helpful to avoid moving baby to their own room until you feel they are through the peak of separation anxiety, but we can also invite dependence by switching things up. Could you put a mattress in their room beside their crib for you to sleep on when needed? Could you co-sleep safely for a while? Or maybe transition to a floor bed so you could be with them when needed? In terms of naps, a carrier might be a great temporary strategy.

Taking the Lead

When it comes to the attachment relationship, parents need to be compassionate and confident leaders and this becomes especially important and true during times your little one is going through developmental changes such as these that can feel very overwhelming for everyone. It is important you take some time to reflect on what you can do to radiate strength, confidence and calm for your child despite how triggering and challenging this may feel. When we look at the attachment relationship and the fact that our babies co-regulate with us, we need to find ways to regulate ourselves in those really hard moments. Can you stop and drink some water and take a breath even if they’re still stuck to you like glue? Do you have an affirmation that you can use to pull you back into the present moment and give you back some perspective?

These strategies can be very helpful but the most important thing to focus on will always be contact, closeness and intentional connection. When we welcome, and even invite, dependence from our little ones, ESPECIALLY in times like these, this is what is going to help lead them to a place of independence when developmentally appropriate. When we show them that we will always be there for them unconditionally, when we make it clear we are their safe space by continually being responsive during the hard times for them, then they can rest in their relationship with us and venture forward confidently knowing they have us to return to when needed. When they learn they can count on you to exceed their needs for closeness, they'll be able to rest and get through these phases with greater ease.

If you're struggling with this developmental progression at 8-10 months check out our full guide here!

Categories: Attachment, Parenting, Normal Infant & Toddler Sleep, Emotion, Regressions, Sleep Support, Separation Anxiety