Sleep Associations Are Only Negative If YOU Decide They Are

How many times have you heard that you shouldn’t nurse your baby to sleep because it means they will be nursing forever? Have you ever felt guilty for creating a “bad habit” or “sleep crutch”? Have you ever felt that anxiety creep in that you are doing something wrong or failing somehow when it comes to putting your child to sleep even though it feels right for your family?

Sleep associations are only negative when YOU decide they are.
Sleep associations are only negative when they are no longer working for YOUR family.

When it comes to supporting your children to sleep there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with sleep associations as long as they working for you and your baby and you are enjoying them. That being said, when a sleep association stops working for you, it is ABSOLUTELY OKAY to make changes. You can keep the things you love, and change the things that are no longer working for you.

You love nursing your baby to sleep? Great! We will support that!

You love to snuggle your toddler until they close their eyes at bedtime? Awesome, those moments can be so precious!

You love that your infant likes contact naps? Wonderful, we don't see a problem with that.

But at the same time...

You feel that the time has come to stop nursing through the night? As long as your baby is no longer in need of the nutrients at night and it is age appropriate, let's talk night weaning!
You would like to change the amount of parenting to sleep your child needs at bedtime? Okay, let's talk about changing things up and creating new sleep associations that do work for you.

You feel frustrated that you have to bounce your child to sleep for what feels like forever? We can guide you in making changes to what your child associates with sleep.

A sleep association is essentially anything that we equate with going to sleep. We all have them. As adults we see them as a part of our routine or something to help transition from awake to asleep or unwind after a busy day. Too often for infants and toddlers we hear them referred to as "sleep crutches" as though they are a very negative thing!

You probably have some sleep associations of your own. Maybe you grab a glass of water on your way to bed. Do you read a book, chat with your partner? Take a bath? Do some meditation? Even something as simple as changing into cozy PJs can be a sleep association. Whatever it is, I would imagine you are doing whatever it is that works for you.

So why do we think our children shouldn't have any sleep associations? Associations as a part of bedtime routine help signal to our children that sleep is coming and actually makes the transition much less stressful for everyone! When we have a routine established with sleep associations in place our children know what is coming next and what is expected of them. We can use sleep associations to add a level of predictability to sleep transitions for our children. Children thrive off of this stability and predictability.

We will always support and encourage the use of sleep associations if they feel right to you, but if you are feeling ready for a change in how you support your child to sleep, there is nothing to feel guilty about. There is no reason to feel that you have been doing something wrong leading up to now just because you are ready for a change now.

We want you to feel good about the sleep situation in your house. We want to guide you in setting limits before you hit your own limits. Sometimes this may mean switching up sleep associations.

Sometimes when moms first reach out to us, they express that they are feeling guilty or that they feel that they have somehow failed their child because they have hit a point where things are no longer working. This could not be further from the truth and the last thing we want mothers to stress about is doing and enjoying things that worked for their family and felt right to them up until now.

Just because what you were doing before is no longer working now, does not mean that you have done a single thing wrong! If you have been trusting yourself, following your instincts and listening to your heart, we are confident there is not a single thing wrong with how you have been supporting your child.

Just because you feel ready to move your child into their own sleep space, does not mean that co-sleeping when it was allowing you to all get more rest was a poor choice.

Just because you feel ready to wean does not mean that nursing your child to sleep peacefully was the wrong choice up until now.

Just because contact naps have stopped working for you and your child does not mean you should feel guilty about the hours of incredible connection filled snuggles you enjoyed when they were younger.

Just because you feel ready for a change NOW, does not make a single thing you have done up until now, wrong, a mistake or a regret. Babies change, we learn as we go and there will come a time that we need to adjust what works for our family.

It is perfectly okay to feel good about what you have done in the past while also feeling good about making changes in how you support your child with sleep now.

So what if you do feel ready to make a change? If you have decided you would like to make a change to how your baby is falling asleep there is something really important we need to keep in mind: supporting emotion.

If you are making a change to a sleep association your child has, you may be asking them to let go of something they have been doing their entire life and it is likely something they have come to expect and enjoy.

If your child cries when making a change, that does not mean that it is not working or that it is something you should not be doing. The tears and emotion you may see in response is simply communication, a way for your child to tell you - "Hey, I like the way we were doing things, let's go back to the old way".

If you are confident in your parent-led change and instinctively feel that you are making the change so everyone in your family can get more rest and thrive, then it is okay to continue making the change, but you need to be sure that you are respecting, accepting and listening to your child's emotional self-expression (more on this in our blog on fostering emotional health!)

Emotion is not a bad thing. Tears are not a bad thing. Tears and emotion are normal and okay when making changes. The important thing to remember is that we need to make space for these emotions and validate them. We need to guide our children through their emotional expression and continue to be there for them, even if how we are showing up for them looks a bit different now.

So remember, it is your choice how you support your child at bedtime. Trust yourself to know what works best for your family and feels right to you. Let your instincts guide you and do not let anyone tell you that you are creating a bad habit! When sleep associations are no longer working for you, it is okay to make a change. Being ready for a change does not mean you have done anything wrong. Keep the things you love, change the things that have stopped working for your family and focus on confidently guiding your child through the change so you all can thrive.

Sarah & Elli

Categories: Attachment, Normal Infant & Toddler Sleep, Sleep Associations, Sleep Without Sleep Training