Sleeping Through the Night

For some reason, sleeping through the night has become a marker of success for parents, the ultimate goal and what we are all trying to achieve. It’s almost as if once your child (finally) sleeps through the night, you’ve crossed a finish line.

As we’re sure you know, the truth is there is no trophy waiting for you when it happens. There’s no prize, there’s no medal of accomplishment.

Babies and toddlers will hit many milestones as they learn and grow. Sleeping through the night is one milestone that gets A LOT of attention, when it probably shouldn’t. Baby and toddler sleep is not linear, so putting so much pressure on checking off the box of sleeping through the night is just setting ourselves up for disappointment or frustration the next time our child does not sleep through the night.

We need to start seeing baby sleep for what it really is. We need to keep talking about what is biologically and developmentally appropriate. We need to normalize night waking, regressions and changes in sleeping patterns. We need to normalize the need for support from parents, the needs of closeness and connection to ease the separation that sleep brings.

Some babies will sleep through the night before a year, some after their first birthday. Some babies will sleep through the night once, and then begin to rather consistently. Some will sleep through once and then not again for many weeks (or months). Some will sleep through the night for weeks or months, and then things will change and they will not sleep through the night again for quite some time. Some babies may sleep through the night consistently with only a night here and there they wake for needs to be met. The same is all true for toddlers as well.

So let’s reframe it.

If we take the pressure off of sleeping through the night, if we accept what is normal and appropriate, we can shift our focus on supporting them as they need us. We can focus on meeting our child where they are at. We can focus on what it is they need from us to ensure they are getting the rest they need to be healthy.

Sleeping through the night is not equivalent to crossing a finish line. Sleeping through the night is a pattern that may come and go. Sleeping through the night is something that will happen when our individual unique baby is developmentally ready. Even if it does not feel like it, it WILL happen for your child.

Instead of focusing on “teaching” or “training” our baby to sleep through the night let’s instead focus on building a strong connection, focus on pouring so much love into our babies that they will be able to take their attachment needs for granted.

To help with the shift in perspective we have when it comes to sleeping through the night, we also think it is really important to discuss the science aspect of it all. None of us, not even adults, sleep through the night. We all wake in the form of a partial arousal as we move through sleep cycles throughout the night. For us it could mean a bathroom break, a change in position or glass of water. Babies have partial arousals between sleep cycles that lead to wanting to eat, needing comfort or communicating other needs such as being too hot or too cold.

We need to take the focus off of sleeping through the night because it is important to understand how essential these wakes could be. If we have been focusing on getting our child to sleep from bedtime till morning, we may have sent the message that we will not respond at these wakes if they call for us. Waking is a protective mechanism for babies and it is our responsibility to show them that we will come when they need us, that they can count on us to come when they call us to meet their needs.

So together, let’s take a deep breath and let go of the expectation that babies should be sleeping through the night at a young age and that has anything to do with who we are as a parent. Babies need us at all hours of the day, they are just simply designed that way. This is normal.

So instead, what do we recommend you focus on?

To start, build in connection filled routines that make sleep transitions more predictable, spend time in the sleep space outside of sleep so it is not only a place of separation, focus on how you can be responsive and present when your child wakes, ensure you have a menu of sleep associations that can be useful for you during those night wakes, and never be afraid to ask for help if it all feels like a little too much.

You’re doing amazing, regardless of how old your child is the first time they sleep through the night.

Categories: Attachment, Newborn Sleep, Night Wakes, Normal Infant & Toddler Sleep, Parenting, Sleep Without Sleep Training