Staying Close & Connected While Making Changes

When we look at sleep through a lens coloured by attachment and connection, our focus is responsiveness, meeting our children where we are at and supporting our children to sleep from a place of love, trust and connection. With that being said, we will always support families to make changes when there are certain things that are no longer working for them. We do not believe that parents should have to suffer endless sleep deprivation in order to ensure that their connection with their child stays strong.

You CAN make changes while staying close and connected and today we’re going to share with you three really important components to help you understand how we do this.

Before we dive in, we want to remind you that any changes you are making will be a part of a personal journey, unique to your family. How you transition sleep spaces or how you night wean for example, might follow the same general process that we know works, but you might do certain things at a different pace or with a bit of a personal touch that feels right to you.

When making changes while staying close and connected you are simultaneously investing in the relationship you have with your child so it is not always as simple as steps one, two and three. Maybe you need to spend a little longer on one specific part of the process, or maybe you pause any loving limits entirely for a day or two because of other things going on in your life. Trust yourself and your instincts to know how to guide your child through changes.

So how do we stay close and connected while making changes that our family needs to thrive?

First, hold space for emotions and validate any emotional response your child has to any changes you are making.

Having a specific perspective on emotion is essential to making changes while staying close and connected. So many of us get caught up in the narrative that tears are bad (we can say this because we started here, too!). Maybe we grew up only being welcomed when we were happy and showing few emotions, or maybe it’s society’s narrative that “good babies don’t cry” that has us feeling stuck. Whatever it may be, whenever we approach a change with our child, we need to be sure that we are prepared to not only make space for, but validate any emotional reaction they have to the change.

We need to recognize the fact that just because our child has an emotional reaction to a change we are making, does NOT mean that the change is wrong. Children have the right to a full emotional expression and we should be actively trying to protect their ability to experience a full spectrum of emotions. If your child is communicating through tears (or frustration in another form) that they would rather things stay the same, but you are right there with them, then this is not the equivalent to leaving your child alone to cry in separation. It is our responsibility to set limits and lead them through changes that will make it possible for your entire family to thrive. It is okay if our child doesn’t love the change at first, because if we are doing it from a place of empowerment while following our heart , we know that this will lead to your entire family thriving.

Guiding your children through changes, helping them to adapt, narrating and validating emotions, showing them love unconditionally despite their mood and feelings, is truly an investment in your relationship with them that will not only help you to work through changes, but can also leave you feeling more connected than ever before.

Next, is to always stop when it feels like too much.

When we look at the attachment relationship we have with our children, we need to be in the lead. How this translates to making changes is that we need to be calmly and confidently leading our children through changes. They will be co-regulating with us as we set loving limits and support their emotional response. So what this means is that if we are not in a mental state to support emotion and continue to be responsive to their tears, then we need to stop. There is nothing wrong with this, change does not have to happen all at once.

Remember that change will likely not be a linear process. There will be moments that you feel defeat, that you feel overwhelmed, that you feel exhausted. It is okay to pause on holding a limit, in fact, it is essential that you pause on holding a limit or making a change when you feel that you cannot continue to do so with confidence and compassion.

There is nothing wrong with taking a break and trying again in 5 minutes, or even the next day. The most important thing is that you are confidently leading them, and when it all feels like too much then either tag in a partner for support, or reconnect with babe and try again when you do feel ready. If you are really struggling to feel comfortable with emotion, it might be really helpful to dig deep into any triggers you are having surrounding tears or emotional expression.

Just as it can feel like too much for you, it can feel like too much for your baby, also. For children to adapt to change, they need to have a big emotional release. That being said, you must trust your instincts to guide you in how quickly this change happens. Every baby will let go of things at a different pace for several reasons, temperament included. Meet your baby where they are at, follow their cues on when they just need to pause and trust your instincts to know how to guide your child through this. There is no shame in going slow and embracing your personal journey.

Finally, always put relationships first.

Sometimes our babies need us more than they need sleep. This. Is. Normal.

There will be days that there are factors outside of the specific change you are making that will require us to focus on relationship instead of making changes. Maybe your child is feeling dysregulated because of another big change in your family, such as a new sibling. Or maybe they are in search of additional connection as they adjust to more separation than they used to as you transition back to work. They could be teething or going through a developmental burst and looking for extra support. In these times, take a moment to reflect on if the change needs to happen immediately or if it can wait a week or two. Or can you make the change in a different way, at a slower pace, to prioritize the relationship a little bit extra.

You will know when your child needs you more. There are times, that it is about so much more than sleep.

Prioritizing relationship and attachment while making changes is something that we truly are passionate about when it comes to supporting families. We want you to know that you can make a change to how you are supporting your child with sleep without ever feeling disconnected emotionally or physically separating from them.

You can make a change, and still respect their emotions.
You can make a change, and still lead them at a pace that makes you feel confident and empowered.
You can make a change, and still stop to love on them that extra little bit when they need it.
You can make a change so that you can ALL thrive, physically and emotionally!

If this type of change is something that you feel is what your family needs, be sure to join us for our next round of The Baby Experience registration opens September 21, but you can get on our list HERE. We’d love to have you join us and we would love to watch your family make the changes that you need to what is no longer working for you.

Categories: Attachment, Boundaries, Emotion, Night Wakes, Sleep Support, Toddlers