The Importance of Self-Soothing

My Connected Motherhood Author

It seems like from the minute babies are brought home from the hospital, families feel this all consuming pressure to teach their babies to self-soothe. It becomes a bit of an obsession in the first year, because after all, who wouldn’t want to give their children the gift of self-regulation, right? It turns out that our focus on our children’s ability to self-soothe in that first year is misguided because babies simply cannot self-soothe. Today we’re going to talk about what self-soothing really is, how it develops in babies, and the best thing you can do in the first year of your baby’s life to set the foundation for them to develop self-regulation as they grow. 

To start us off, when we use the phrase self-soothing, we're referring to down-regulating oneself from a heightened state of stress. That means, if you're upset, you can calm yourself back down without intervention. As adults we might do this by pausing, taking a moment to focus on deep breaths, or moving our bodies. However, the sleep industry has made this synonymous with "self-settling" which is what we use to describe babies who are able to fall asleep without support when they're already in a calm state. It’s important to note the difference, because while some babies can self-settle, self-soothing is not something that they are able to do. 

Babies who can self-settle, are more often than not, babies with an easier going temperament than their counterparts who need more support to fall asleep. There isn't anything you do to have one or the other, it's just their personalities. We need to fully accept our babies as they are for who they are, and be there to guide them through their lives into becoming the fullest and most authentic version of themselves. 

We cannot teach (read force) a baby to learn to self-soothe in infancy, by leaving them alone. This has become a big selling feature of sleep training. The suggestion is that after a few really hard nights of a lot of crying, babies learn to regulate themselves and “self-soothe” to sleep. However, what happens during sleep training (which we never recommend) is that babies continue to get more and more dysregulated to the point where they become flooded and their bodies shut them down and help them fall asleep to preserve energy. They don't learn anything, it's a protective mechanism and last line of defense.

So if this isn’t how we teach self-soothing, then how do we do so? 

We do so by repeatedly soothing over and over and over again, until such a time when they're able to do so on their own. As we repeatedly soothe them, they build the neural pathways that effectively tell their brains that they get upset, they get soothed, they come back to calm again. This only happens with repeated parental intervention and support. Eventually after practicing this over and over and over again, they begin to build the ability and capacity to do so on their own.

Babies and toddlers build the capacity to self-regulate by co-regulating with those they feel safe with and attached to. This means they require the presence of a loving and attentive parent or caregiver to help them to get to a place of calm. This also means that this adult needs to be in a calm state themselves so babies and toddlers have a calm place to co-regulate to. If the adult is in a state of stress, the best the baby can do is down-regulate to the same emotional state as the adult, which leads us to what our priority should be in the first year in terms of teaching self-soothing: the self-regulated parent. 

Can you as an adult, self-soothe in a heightened moment of stress? Are you maybe a bit more reactive than responsive at times when you feel frustrated, exhausted, or just maybe even just a little impatient? We think that this is a huge part of parenting that is simply not discussed enough so we want to dive deeper on this and give you some suggestions to better be able to regulate yourself from a heightened state of stress, so that you’re able to pass the ability on to your baby or toddler as they grow. 

Let’s start by reflecting on the last time you felt angry or frustrated. How did you respond? If you felt your feelings, took a few deep breaths and let it go, then you probably don’t need us, but most of us tend to react rather than respond. Did you raise your voice? Did your body get tense? Did you say or do something you didn’t mean to? These are very common responses to stress and they’re exacerbated when our basic needs are not fully being met too. Let’s take a look at some strategies to build our ability to self-regulate: 

1.  Meet your basic needs. Meeting your basic needs is an absolutely fundamental starting point when it comes to self-regulation. You are far less likely to be able to regulate yourself in a state of stress when you haven’t slept or eaten a proper meal, which as new parents, we find happens more often than not. So meeting your basic needs should become a priority.

Sleep: It’s hard to get the full amount of sleep you need when you have a baby (or toddler, or even both) who are waking up at night, or waking you early in the morning. We support families to make changes to get more sleep, but outside of these changes, can you go to bed earlier? Can you nap during the day when someone else can care for your baby or safely bed share with your baby so you can both nap together? Can you spend a few hours on the weekend catching up on sleep? If you can’t sleep can you rest your body by sitting down and allowing yourself to leave a few tasks undone? 

Food: Would you let your child skip breakfast, lunch, or dinner? Probably not, and for the same reasons you shouldn’t either. We know that it can be hard to prepare 3 meals for yourself while also having to care for your baby, so again, time to get creative. Can you meal prep or make larger meals so you don’t have to cook 3 times a day? Can dinner be repurposed as a left-over lunch? Could you pre-make smoothie bags so all you have to do is blend them up when you’re ready to have one? Could you have some healthy snacks like nuts, fruits, or veggies, handy so you can reach for foods that will fuel your body? Are you drinking enough water?

Hygiene: Elli has a very simple rule. If you don’t sleep, you need to shower. You need to find a way to take care of yourself in some way, and we know it’s easier to stay cozied in your PJs or just pull on leggings, but getting a shower in the morning can be a big game changer, not to mention that you really should meet your basic hygiene needs. Can you shower while your partner is home in the morning? If not, can you set baby up in a bouncer or on a mat in the bathroom and jump in the shower quickly? Or could you have a bath together? 

Same goes for brushing your teeth. Bring baby to the bathroom and let them watch or help you. This is a great way to model brushing which can be tricky in the early years, but much easier when they see you doing it too! 

2. Create some mantras. Are there some mantras that help you to calm down or gain perspective in the heat of the moment? Write them down, post them throughout your house or commit to referring to them as soon as you’re feeling dysregulated. These are a quick way to help your mind refocus on things that matter. If you need some ideas, check out our Mantras for Motherhood here! 

3. Make a list of things that help you stay regulated. What helps you feel better when you’re not feeling your best? Make a list of those things and write them down so you have them as a reference when you are having an especially hard day. If you need some ideas, here are some that help us: drinking water, going for a walk, exercise, spending time outdoors, calling a friend, venting in a text message, asking for help, having a dance party, colouring or drawing. 

4. Notice your triggers. Are there certain times of day or activities that stir up a big emotional response from you? Is it especially hard for you when your baby takes a bit longer to fall asleep or your toddler “talks back to you”? In many cases our big emotional responses are a result of how we were treated as children when we would behave in a similar way.Our inner child is still healing from these experiences and in certain situations that can feel triggering. If you were never given the chance to cry, or your emotions were never welcomed as a child, you might find it makes you feel resentful or frustrated or even just sad that you were never given that opportunity. Even though it may feel incredibly challenging to give your child an opportunity to experience emotion paired with unconditional love, it is important to take those moments, acknowledge your own emotions in these moments, reflect on what you are feeling and choose to make space for both your emotions, and your child’s emotions in these moments.

5. Ask for help. Finally, we’re not meant to parent alone. Ask for help when you need some extra support. This is especially important if you’re the primary caregiver every day for your children. You need a bit of time to be able to take care of yourself and do some of the things that make you who you are. We have found over and over again that taking a bit of time to take a break from parenting helps us to come back more present, patient, and attentive. If you feel like you’re not needing a break, be sure to still ask for support. Can someone drop off a meal or pick up some groceries for you? Could someone hold your baby for a contact nap while you shower? You’re still doing amazing if you ask for help, we’re meant to raise children in villages! 

Self-regulation should be a priority for us in the first year of our babies lives because building the capacity to stay regulated will help us to respond with patience, love, and empathy in the years to come. Next time you feel the need to teach your baby to self-soothe, take a moment to remember that this develops with co-regulation and let go of the pressure to teach it in infancy. 

Categories: : Emotion, Self-Regulation, Self-soothing